Never Hire a Vampire

Vampires do not make good employees.

But that doesn’t stop them from landing good jobs. This is probably because we are not very good at identifying them when they first roll into town. They look like everyone else, maybe a little better, and their fangs are not visible most of the time. Vampires make a very good first impression. They are charming, polite, well dressed, and may come with a remarkably long resume. You probably won’t tag them as a vampire at your first meeting.

So you invite them in…

An early sign that you may have hired a Vampire will be your new employee’s inability to see themselves in a mirror. During a moment of reflection they will see everyone in the room except themselves. This makes it difficult for a Vampire to accept responsibility for their role in failed projects or tense relationships. Unable to see themselves, they will assign blame to those they can see, which is everyone else. This blind spot does not result from poor vision, in fact vampires have heightened senses allowing them to see and hear the actions of others with remarkable clarity. Unfortunately any attempt to get them to see themselves is an exercise in futility. Vampires suffer from a complete lack of self-reflection. Nothing is ever their fault.

Of course everyone knows that Vampires have fangs which is why you were confident hiring someone with smooth pearly whites. But it’s not like they use them for draining juice bottles or opening beers. Their fangs only come out when they are attacked or attacking. If you start to suspect that you may have hired a Vampire try applying a little pressure. If you get a good natured humble response then your fears are unfounded. If you did hire a Vampire, you will get to see those fangs.

Worst of all, vampires will suck the life out of you. Behind the charm and the smile is the mind of a hunter seeing only prey. They will take what they need from those around them with no regard for the lives or careers they are slowly draining away. Their only agenda is their own advancement, and they will take what they need to get it. Don’t be fooled by their promise to include you in their success. In the end there are Vampires and there are minions. Unless you are willing to give up your soul, minion will be your only option. And that never ends well for the minion.

Vampires do not make good employees, bosses, partners, or friends. It is tempting to try to help them but a soul is not something that can be forced into a person. We don’t need go on the offensive with vampires. We just need to learn to recognize them earlier than we normally do.

And then it is best to stop inviting them in.

Posted in Uncategorized.